What happens to love when you're an overthinker?

What happens when you give it your best, and that's not enough to make someone change or even care? Yep, been there.

I'm in a healthy, happy and loving relationship and, I've been for the past 9 1/2 years but, that doesn't mean that my love life was always like this. I was talking to my therapist about love and how we assume or perceive it, and she asked me about my pre-Jorge life and how I handled my past relationships. I dwelled, A LOT.

My therapist wanted me to work on my ability to be open and let my guard down more often, that brought back some bitter memories. She wanted me to evaluate my love life and past relationships to understand some of the things that we're working on right now.

Well, I've talked about it a bit here, however, as a declared overthinker I started going back, and I thought it was worth sharing. Because I know that most women are like me and some of you might have experienced the "I'm going to be the best version of myself because I want him/her to see what's that like." And then, nada. ZERO changes and your heart slowly breaks, and you end up putting up walls that will shield you from feeling anything like that ever again. And, the most significant thing is that you feel like you're never enough, you won't be.

Have I learned anything from this? I want to say that I did.

While I visited my ghosts from the past, I saw myself changing for someone else to something that wasn't me, or worst showing my true self, the best version of me, someone caring, loving, physical and receive nothing in return, feeling unworthy and burned out after. And, at that moment I wished so hard that I could feel less, think less, love less. I didn’t want to be this overthinker, overdoer, overlover. Was I wrong? I let my guard down and tried to be the person I aspire to be in all my relationships, and that happened? What the actual fuck?

And, it hurt. HURT like hell. Maybe, I said to myself; “it's time to be mean, not vulnerable, live without an Achilles heel”. I recall and relived how I opened myself up to be that perfect little human that only wants to give and felt like not even that was enough. But, my mistake was to believe that my behavior will change someone else's, I mean, the dude (whom I adored profoundly and intensely but, was my rock bottom) had SO MANY issues that I thought I could fix. I couldn't; he was unable to feel anything because of his lack of emotional maturity.

It wasn't my fault but, I took it upon myself to "fix him" with care, friendship, and unconditional love. My mistake, love can fix a lot of things but, it needs nurture and willingness. But, if the person isn't open to accept love, well... it fucks things up for both, the lover and the lovee. In my story, I tried so hard to make him feel like he was worthy of love and affection that ended up hating myself for it. I stopped loving myself because I felt like I wasn't enough. He and I ended up in a rut; I gave it my best, he didn't want it. He demanded me to be kind and loving but wasn't willing to reciprocate. That was the worst part, I felt drained, and at some point my self-preservation instinct made me get out, took a lot of me to learn how to love myself again after that.

People change because they want, not because you do. And, I wasn't about that life, I'm very intense, quick and when I love, I love hard, unconditionally and relentlessly. My reality is that I’m in fact the person I aspired to be in a relationship: vulnerable, fearless, kind, loving, physical and, there's nothing wrong with that. When you find someone who loves everything about you, even the fucked up things, you embrace it. The problem is: you need to accept that you are worthy and enough to be loved like you do it.

When I met Jorge, I was petrified. The fear of feeling everything so profoundly was overpowering and scary, my past relationships made me cynical, and a control freak, relinquishing control was the most frightening thought. Loving him without regard meant to be open to the possibility of going back to be broken, and feel like I'm never enough.  

I knew (and feared) that he would break me into a million pieces the moment I let him in. I overthought every move, was terrified of fucking things up like I usually did (and sometimes do). But, he didn't want me to change, he loved me just the way I am and took 9 1/2 years to accept that I won't stop overthinking everything but, that also means, I won't stop overloving. The reality is, at some point, you'll find someone who isn't afraid to try, someone who loves the overthinker. It happened to me and, I sincerely hope that happens to you too.

Love,

Bela