The struggle is real: I'm a weirdo in disguise

Hi, my name is Bela, and I'm awkward AF.

I'm a weird human, as of today I still don't fit in anywhere. It's been 31 years of this; it could be because of my music taste, or the fact I like sports or that I curse like a sailor. I'm a tomboy disguised as a super girly girl. By this I don't mean like I'm faking it, I'm a 100% real all the freaking time, but this transparency doesn't always pay well.

I'm always very open with the purpose of Life with Bela; it's more than the cute outfits. My ultimate goal is to share real life stuff and, that includes my struggles with different aspects of adulting.

I'm struggling with being different. There I said it. Something I've been so proud of, myself and how rare I am. Sometimes I want to be more like the other girls, you know? The ones who love boy bands, behave like normal adults in public and they're not awkward. But, I'm not. That so not who I am.

The anxiety struggle

I don't go to blogger events because I struggle with feeling out of place. Yes, I know how to dress and look presentable. Yet, the chances are that I'll be on my phone checking sports results or texting my husband about how awkward and out of place I'm feeling.

Sometimes I rather be home playing Nintendo, eating wings and drinking wine. Somedays I just don't want to deal with these feelings of inadequacy. Often, I'd love to be going to events and be normal but, it makes me anxious so I cancel at the last minute and, that makes me happy for a little while until, I realize that I'm never gonna make it if I keep being this big ass weirdo.  It happens from time to time, that I go and it's fun and love it but in the end, I'm thinking  did I mess up? Talked too much? Am I super obnoxious? Yeah, I am. Damn NOT GOING OUTSIDE ANYMORE. 

I also talk about mental health and my own struggles with anxiety and depression. And being this constant open book doesn't always go well. People gets weirded out by me. It took me years to open myself up and talk about things like these but, sharing my struggle with people has helped me. In the end, misery does love company. 

Social media and its issues

Social media has a good and a bad impact on my daily life: I share a lot about my day, I've made friends (Actual girlfriends, this is very unusual). But, some dark days happen, and I found myself comparing my journey to someone else's. Feeling anxious about my numbers and how my body looks like in photos. Or, worse I get concerned about how much I've been sharing and feel egocentric. I go to a very dark place where I don't feel like should be putting my world out there for everyone to see and have an opinion about it.

Current state of affairs

My therapist called me an extroverted/introvert. Meaning: I put my extrovert mask when I need to, to achieve something and deal with my imposter syndrome. Also, I can be outgoing but desperately need my alone time. I get super overwhelmed when I'm at a bar or crowded party and can be social but, inside I screaming and needing to go home.

Extroverted- Introverts are intense people; I can vouch for that we feel everything so intensely, we put our mask on and try to enjoy ourselves when inside we are just dealing with all the feels. Sometimes, I get super excited about making plans, and at the last minute I need to cancel, my excitement dies, and I need to be alone. It's helpful to remember that being introverted or extroverted doesn't mean you're completely one or the other. These personality traits exist on a continuum. You're not alone if you want to stay home. Trust me on this. You're not broken, Nick Miller and I say so. 

I know, there's nothing wrong with me. But some days I just want to be a little less weird, you know?