I can't stop giving a f*ck

If the use of the F-word offends you, please stop reading now. No hard feelings, just letting you know that this post will overuse it. 

Do you know those people who can shield themselves from giving a fuck? I'm genuinely jealous of them. Why? Because I give a lot of fucks, I'm a prostitute of feelings.

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Somewhere very nearby, nestled between your eyes and ears, is the sound of a never-ending cacophony of fucks bouncing off the walls of your skull, slowly driving you mad. And some people like me allow too many fucks to be given, sometimes to the wrong people or situations. 

While I typically try to save my fucks for magical things (or people) that will set my soul on fire, my inability of being detached is there all the time. I get attached, even when I try not to; it doesn't matter if I know that it's going to be a humongous mistake. 

For example, if I care about you I'll remember your favorite character or your most beloved book, or the fact that you had a difficult childhood. I'll make sure that you feel loved even when you won't reciprocate. But, this way more often than not, I get my heart broken by people that didn't mean to do it but they give way fewer fucks than I do.  And that's not on them, it's on me. 

People whose biggest flaw isn't a perpetual need to care too much, people who are better at allotting their fucks — they're all around me, and they amaze me. Jealousy isn't a feeling that I appreciate but, hell I feel awfully jealous of the "none fucks given" crowd. 

Giving a fuck about everything makes it way more intense than what it needs to be. While I’m not seeking to be indifferent that's not ideal or admirable, it's just a lame excuse for a life. Apathetic people are usually the kind who give way too many fucks and they're terrified of their feelings. I lived through that charade and that used to be me; pretending to be indifferent all the time and it was stupid and exhausting. I was so afraid to get hurt and to feel things that I pretended to be detached and cold. Well, if you knew me then, I apologize. I was a frightened little asshole. (Unless you deserved it, if so, not sorry). 

I need to work on how many fucks I'm investing and on what. I read and reviewed "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" by Mark Manson, and LOVED IT. But, as much as I tried, my ability to unfuck myself and be more mindful of my fucks is just not at his Jedi level yet. 

Let me put it this way, are you continually trying to keep people around that you love even when they don't put in any effort? Yeah, I do that. Because it takes a while for me to care, to engage, and to let my guard down, and when that happens (with the very few exceptions of immediate connections) I will give A LOT of fucks about you. 

Sometimes, my many fucks don't deserve to be given but I can't stop myself from caring. Why? Maybe I'm afraid of being forgettable or irrelevant to people I love. That's one issue; I believed that you must feel loved and accepted all the time. Otherwise, you're doing something wrong and that's on you. As tough as I've learned to be, the truth is that it takes a while for me to give a fuck but when that happens, it sticks. 

The most significant problem being the way I allot my fucks. Yes, most of us struggle throughout our lives by giving too many fucks in situations where fucks do not deserve to be given. Sadly, that creates this feeling of entitlement and that we must be happy and loved at all times. This is when the problem begins and we can't perpetually be sunshine and rainbows. It's unrealistic, life happens. People change and we must accept it but how can I stop myself from giving a fuck? And if I do, would I be a better person for it? 

Any tips to learn how to be detached are much appreciated, 

Love, 

Bela